We all go through relationship problems every once in a while whether with our spouse, children, friends, colleagues or anyone for that matter. Whatever you believe the cause of the relationship problem, personally, do you believe having a relationship problem is bad? Some people will say, ‘Yeah it’s bad to have a relationship problem’.
I look at it differently. For me, I look at every problem in life as a teacher in disguise. If I am facing problem, it means it has come to teach me something. There is something that I don’t know and that is why the problem is there to teach me.
If you are facing relationship problem, you should ask yourself, ‘what is it that I have not learned about relationship that I have to face this problem?’ Think about it. If you know how to have a good relationship, why would you have a problem with your relationship? So it means you have to learn something about relationship.
Most people like to point their finger outwardly towards others when they are facing problems, especially in relationship problems. It’s just so easy to point the finger at their spouse and say, ‘oh well, she doesn’t understand, or well, I tried but it isn’t working’ and all sorts of excuses. Have you ever thought that the problem might be with you instead of others?
This is the most common mistake people do. They fail to look into themselves and find out what mistakes they are doing. They like to blame others instead. Remember, if you are facing a problem, it means you are doing something wrong somewhere. If you are not doing something wrong, why are you facing the problem? Again, the finger points outwardly right?
Here is a question: Why would other people cause you problems if you are not in someway affecting or causing them to cause you the problem? Can you see, in someway we are being a cause for our relationship problem?
If you don’t know in what way you are being the cause of the problem, here is what I do to find out. Just ask your spouse what’s your mistake. Often, you will get the answer instantly. If you get a finger pointing at you saying you are doing this or that, it simply means your spouse or whoever pointing at your fault is having some kind of expectation over you and you are not fulfilling that expectation.
So often it is an unrealistic expectation. Do you believe you can expect anything from anyone? In my opinion, we cannot expect anything from anyone. It’s really an individual choice of what they want to do or how they want to behave. We can only share our point of view, but we cannot change others. In fact, what rights do we have to change others? Would you like anyone coming around telling you what to do? I am sure you don’t what that. So it is with other people.
So what do you do in this situation? How do you solve your relationship problem? We know people are beings with expectations. How do we deal with such people? I mean how you deal with your spouse who has expectations on you? How do you make your spouse see that we are just human beings that we do make mistakes?
It begins with honesty. When you are having a relationship problem, always be honest about everything and invite your spouse or partner for an open dialog (open talk). You need to communicate openly and find out what could be the real cause of the relationship problem.
When you both have agreed to talk about the relationship problem and find the solution, make it a point to remind about each others differences. We are all different and unique. We cannot like what others are expecting us to be. If we insist being someone what others expect, we are going to create conflict within our self which will again create yet another relationship problem.
Understand that both of you are different personality with different sets of beliefs. When you can understand and accept others for what they are, you are letting others be themselves. This means you are respecting their freedom. You are respecting their personal space.
Communicate about what you really want and ask your partner about what he or she wants. Ask about what both of you expect out of the relationship. Talk about this but don’t dig the pass. Don’t bring out the past mistakes into the discussion. You are trying to solve your problem not telling what mistakes others are making. Talk about solutions instead of problems.
If you found yourself to have made the mistake to cause the relationship problem, apologize genuinely and make it a point not to repeat the mistake again. Don’t give promise if you know you cannot fulfill it. Don’t make empty promises. That’s another reason for relationship problem. People give promises and take it for granted.
You are accountable for your words. Be careful with what you promise. Maybe along the way during the talk, both of you will recognize the cause of the problem. Whether it’s you or your spouse, forgive it and let it go. Remind each other that both of you are not perfect that everyone makes mistake that we can try not to make the mistake again.
Love will forgive and let go. So are you dealing the relationship problem with love? It’s quite possible to get angry during the talk, but you shouldn’t. If you truly love and care about solving your relationship problem, you will not get angry. Talk with love. This can motivate your partner to respond with love too. Anger creates anger and love creates love.
When all is said and done, both of you should have found some kind of compromise. It should be a compromise to be more tolerant and loving about each others needs instead of one sided focus. If you cannot find this agreement, you are guaranteed to face the relationship problem again. Make sure, both of you agree to respect each others ways. Can you do this? Love can do this. If you have love, you can let others walk their own way in life.
Ultimately, I found that to love is to let others be. That to love is to let others go. You can’t hold anyone. The more you let go of other person, the more you are going to make them to love you. Well, everyone loves freedom. Let your spouse be free, and do your duties correctly. This is non attachment.
As long as you are doing what you are supposed to do, you won’t face any relationship problems. What does this means? It means doing fulfilling your responsibility in your relationship. It goes to your spouse too. If any one of your break your responsibility, get ready to face relationship problem. What are your responsibilities? Think about this and remind this to your spouse too.